Thursday, March 18, 2010

Again

Wednesday, March 3, 2010, started like any other normal day. The kids all had colds. We did school that morning. I helped them get their lunch and then I went to the bathroom. Everything had seemed fine until then. It wasn't a lot of blood and I tried to convince myself that it didn't mean anything was wrong, but I couldn't stop the panic I felt. In my head, I kept saying, "Please, not again." But I knew without a doubt what it meant. It was happening again.

I guess I should have called the doctor once Chad got home, but I just couldn't deal with that part yet. I knew there was nothing they could do and I wasn't ready to see a baby with no heartbeat or hear someone say out loud what I already knew . So I waited until the next morning.

It was strange to be in the same place with the same two women as 10 days before and know the results would be so different. Once the picture came up, she said she needed to take some measurements. I lay there thinking how strange it was that neither of them mentioned the absent heartbeat. After measuring for a couple minutes, the doctor finally said that there wasn't a heartbeat anymore and that the baby was only measuring a couple days bigger than at the last ultrasound.

When I got home, Colin immediately knew something was wrong with me and started asking questions. It only took a minute for him to ask if it was about the baby. The worst part was having to look into my 10 year old's sweet face and cause him so much sadness again. We had wanted to spare them this time in case it happened again. We waited until I was 8 weeks and had seen the heartbeat on the ultrasound. Unfortunately that wasn't long enough this time. I was 9 weeks 2 days when the bleeding started; 10 days past when it started the other time. Just long enough to start thinking it was going to work out this time.

The day after we found out, Caleigh asked me, "Mom, why do the babies inside you end up dying?" I told her I didn't know and that I was very lucky that my first three babies didn't and are so healthy. I find myself often wondering the same thing as Caleigh. What happened?  What went wrong? How could I have 3 heathy pregnancies with healthy babies and then have 2 pregnancies where there is something so wrong? We'll probably never know the reason and it's hard to not know why.

1 comment:

Heather @ Cultivated Lives said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I know this is an old post, but that it doesn't mean that you've forgotten. So I just wanted you to know that I prayed for you just now and that (unfortunately) I know all too well what that is like. We just recently lost our second baby as well. It certainly makes me anticipate heaven...