It's very hard in the beginning, but then life goes on and you have to go on with it. Things seem to get easier. Then you may see something or hear something to remind you and the hurt hits you like a ton of bricks again. Today is a day when my grief hits me all over again.
I had a miscarriage in June. The week I spent waiting to know for sure was very difficult. Hearing my children, who knew nothing about what was going on, talk about the baby. Seeing a newborn baby in a restaurant. A waiting room filled with pregnant women. An ultrasound showing a baby that was too small. After all that, I just wanted to have someone officially say it so it could be over because then I could get on with my life. Once I got the phone call to confirm it, the depth of my sadness over this baby I had only know about for a few weeks was shocking to me. I had never seen this baby and didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl. I thought once we knew for sure, things would just go back to normal. That's not what happened though because I am not the same. I can't just forget it. I always feel as if something is missing. It doesn't matter that I never met him/her. I had already thought of what the baby would be like, how he/she would fit into our family, the changes we would all have to make, and what it would be like to have a little one again. There was already so much excitement and planning.
After a while, the hurt isn't so close to the surface anymore and things are easier. For months, I had to avoid the baby department in stores and even now, I can't linger there. I sometimes now make it weeks without any tears over our loss, but the sorrow is always there waiting for some trigger to bring it back to the surface.
Today is a day I've dreaded since the moment I got that phone call. I've tried to tell myself it's just a date on the calendar and ignore it, but I haven't been able to do that. Today would have been my baby's due date. Today I should be holding a newborn or preparing for the arrival of one. Today should be a happy day. January 19 will never be just another day on the calendar for me. It will always be a reminder of the child that we lost. It will always be a reminder that you can miss someone you've never met.